First, a huge welcome to one of the world's newest Dawgs (and certainly the newest one WE care about!): Jasper Lee Cameron. Jasper is the son of my old roommate Jordan, and her husband, Jeb. He was born Thursday, May 7 and we cannot wait to meet him. He is already quite the handsome little guy. We are also very jealous of his full head of hair!
Second, we are in the process of a move...This will very hopefully be for the better, because the house is only 3.5 miles from the church (as opposed to our current 15 miles), and has a very large fenced in yard. We're hoping the big backyard will be good for Lily--give her some space to run around in and we won't have to worry about her trying to run away. We may, however, have to worry about alligators and snakes, apparently (I was told this today when I dropped our lease off--yikes!). I am also looking forward to establishing some order to our house. This one was never organized and some stuff was never even unpacked--because seven months pregnant in June in south Georgia is really a less than ideal time to move. Since I am very happily no longer in that state, maybe we can have some order. We'll see, right?
We're also hoping that the move will cut down on our gas expenses. We've been spending so much in gas, and really having to coordinate our trips to town because it's so expensive. Ben will be close enough to ride his bike, which is great, and we'll be much closer to everything else.
Speaking of gas and expenses, I have begun looking for a job. I am ambivalent about working--on the one hand, being a SAHM with Amelia is wonderful--I love being with her and seeing all her new tricks (and boy, are there a lot), and I love the flexibility of it--not having a boss to get permission from to go on vacation, stuff like that; but then, on the other, I miss working. I miss feeling productive and finishing projects and interacting with adults.
We also have the little problem--or rather the BIG problem--of debt. As in, lots of debt. For reasons I have been urged to forget and/or forgive and/or stop being bitter about, we amassed quite a lot of debt during the course of seminary. If we are on a road to paying it down, it's like I-95 to Miami and we're stuck in traffic in Maryland. On Ben's current salary, paying it at our current rate, we're looking to be out by the time Amelia graduates from grad school. With a doctorate. That took her 15 years to get.
Seriously, it's not that bad, but it feels like it sometimes. And especially when we start crunching numbers and realize that if I worked and got paid anywhere in the neighborhood of what I was making in Washington, we could be totally OUT of credit card debt in less than 2 years. That's a pretty tempting reason to get a job, if you ask me.
To that end, I am still being picky. I refuse to go down the administrative assistant/secretary route (been there, not doing it again), and I would rather not be a claims representative again. I would love, love, LOVE to get a job where I could work at home and possibly make enough to have someone come in and watch Amelia, but I haven't found anything yet. So, I'm looking and pretty much focusing on the university. One of the good things about working there is that I could get free tuition, and I've been thinking about a drastic career change (if 1 year of lobbying can be called a "career") that would require some post-baccalaureate work. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, while at the same time realizing that none of this is really in my hands...and that everything works out the way it's supposed to.
So one of the posts I started that never got posted was about tv shows coming with more than the standard warning labels. We've all seen the warnings about sex, violence, drugs, language, etc. For my part, I couldn't care less about most of that stuff (except violence). Anyone who knows me well is very well-acquainted with my fondness for words of the four letter variety (note to self: a priest's kid should probably NOT have any of these words as a part of their vocabulary). Anyway, I was thinking a few weeks ago that I wish the warnings were more specific or explicit or something. I was watching ER a few weeks ago on TNT and an episode was on that showed a pregnant mother developing eclampsia and eventually dying. Her son made it out in time, but she didn't.
This episode reduced me to tears, as I'm sure it did lots of people. Anytime a mother dies, especially without ever knowing her child, it's incredibly sad and tragic. I don't even think there are words for it. But my tears were for another reason. I never posted it here, although I think I have alluded to it, and I know most of you know, but I was severely pre-eclamptic with Amelia. My bps while I was pushing got as high as the 150s/100s range (my mom said the nurse started standing in front of the machine so she couldn't see how high they were). I was on magnesium sulfate (affectionately called "the mag" by those of us lucky enough to have become acquainted with it) to prevent seizures. I also had the added bonus of having developed HELLP Syndrome
so my liver and kidneys were failing, and my platelets were too low for me to even get an epidural. Then, on top of all that, Amelia came out with the cord wrapped around her neck twice and had to be under oxygen for 2 hours before Ben or I got to even hold her.
Obviously our story had a happy ending. My platelets and liver function corrected themselves back to normal within less than a week after her birth. My bp seems to be going steadily down (it can take up to a year), and the internist has cleared me of any underlying conditions like liver or kidney disease that could have contributed to the HELLP. And my risk of developing it again is only slightly higher than someone else who had never gotten it. And, most importantly, Amelia is no worse for the wear. That kid has quite a set of lungs, and doesn't have any problem demonstrating them!
I think the episode upset me so much because it was like a glimpse of what could have been. I was incredibly lucky--on all fronts. My doctor recognized my HELLP and was able to treat it, my daughter came out gray, but breathing. Our relationship didn't even suffer because of our lack of "bonding" right away. Hell, even the mag made her so sleepy the first few days that we got to get more sleep than one should be allowed with a newborn.
But, still, I worry. I am as ambivalent about having another biological child as I am about working. I am desperately afraid that next time things may not go as well. I am worried I could get sick again--this time earlier, and at the risk of the baby. I am worried I could die and leave my precious family. I am worried I could lose the baby--from a cord accident or premature birth or any number of things.
I know these are possibilities every woman faces with pregnancy...I guess I just feel them now because it came close to happening before. It's like "why risk it?". But then, as my mother-in-law put it: we do make beautiful and wonderful babies. I am certain God will let us know what the best choice for our family will be. I have confidence in that. I guess I just sometimes wish those choices and the plan were a little clearer to me!
Speaking of beautiful and wonderful babies, I need to close this monumental post with an update on what the point of this blog is doing. Amelia is almost 9 months old and is crawling like a mad woman, climbing up on anything that is stationary for more than 2 seconds (including legs), and is even start
ing to let go for a few seconds at a time (much to my horror). She is babbling like crazy and REALLY wants to carry on conversations, but we're still not sure we've heard any discernible words. She had her first temper tantrum the other day over something she was reaching for that I then took out of her reach (she sat down and started hollering, crocodile tears and all). We also learned the other day why priests' kids get such reputations: because they are often the center of attention and when they are misbehaving, they are more often than not encouraged to keep misbehaving.Most importantly, she is just such a constant delight. She is always smiling and laughing and happy. We could not have asked for a more wonderful little girl. I love these newest pictures that we took the other day--I think they capture her personality so well.
