Question of the Day and a Happy Memory

I've been feeling kind of lonely lately and really homesick for Virginia and the life we had there. Part of it just has to do with all the trappings Northern VA/Washington have to offer. I mean, if I was making dinner and didn't have an ingredient or if we didn't know what we wanted, all we had to do was walk less than half a mile to a kick-ass Harris Teeter (granted, the HT didn't open until last year, but still) that was open 24 hours a day. There were dog parks for Lily and sidewalks and the metro and museums and all those kinds of things we didn't think we'd miss but do.

One of the things we knew we'd miss were friends. One of the biggest differences between seminary and college, from what I can tell, is that when you graduate college, chances are you'll end up living close to at least one friend. My freshman roommate has a great social life because she lives in Atlanta, where tons of girls from her sorority have settled. And even when we moved to Alexandria there were already people we knew there, so I knew I wouldn't be lonely. Not so here. And, living where we do, and Ben doing what he does, it's kind of hard. I can be friendly with members of his congregation and even have friends, so to speak, but it always comes down to it that my husband is their priest. I think that creates a barrier that is impossible to get past. And I really miss having those relationships with people where you can just let it all hang out--act like a normal person who's not constantly checking themselves, because you are yourself to them, not "the priest" or "the priest's wife". This has gotten worse since Lia was born. I really just want to hang out with someone. And I really want our friends to see the baby already!

I also really, really miss working. I got a letter for the fall campaign last week and it just reminded me of what I used to do--how I used to be kind of important and involved in important work--and how I don't have that anymore. I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for anything now, but I do miss that life. I had a life that wasn't defined by anyone but me. Most of my co-workers didn't even meet Ben until after I stopped working. And I have to admit that I really enjoy being able to watch the news and know the people that they talk to when they report on certain stories! And I've come to believe that having a job really does give you the opportunity to define at least one part of your life in your terms. Unless you work for your family or with your significant other, chances are you're known for who you are, not anyone else.

So, finally, the question: what to do? I've never been in this situation before. I don't know where to meet people or even what people do. I have thought about going to one of the other Episcopal churches in town (and may, Norney, if you end up there) just to see if there are people I can be friends with, but I kind of feel that'd be a little weird. I'm still planning on applying to grad school to start this Spring, so that'll help, I'm sure. The alumni club here looks like it's mainly older people. There aren't really any jobs I'd be interested in...

Ok, enough complaining...here's my happy memory: Having my baby wheeled into my room while we were at the hospital. I don't know if it was the magnesium sulfate drip I was on, or if she was being a normal newborn or what, but for almost the whole first week of her life, it seemed all Lia did was sleep. It certainly seemed like she preferred sleep to anything else, including nursing, at the hospital. However, the nursery is quite a distance from the post-partum area, so by the time they had wheeled her into my room, she was wide awake. Even when I was tired or worried or hurting, seeing my baby's beautiful face and her eyes wide open just thrilled me to no end. Now that she is awake for hours at a time I still look at her, into her eyes, and melt when I think of those first amazing moments we had when she first entered our lives.

Today's Adventure OR Why I Feel Like the Worst Mother Ever

Lia sometimes has some trouble sleeping during the day. If this seemed to have any discernible effect on her sleeping at night I wouldn't be complaining, but it doesn't, so I am. She just gets so exhausted and I feel so bad for her. I want to tell her all she needs to do is close her eyes and she'll feel so much better. Combine that with the constantly whining Lily (who was put on Prozac yesterday), and my afternoons can get pretty bad if Ben's not around.

So I'd been talking to my mom about Lia's inability to sleep in the afternoon and she keeps telling me about these "adventures" she and I would go on when I was a baby. My parents moved to Atlanta six weeks before I was born, so when I was little my mom would use the afternoons to load me in the car and explore the city they had just moved to. She keeps suggesting I do the same, or even take Lia to the mall and walk around. I have yet to reply that the city she explored was Atlanta and infinitely more exciting than Hahira or Valdosta.

Anyway, today I decided to try that. Lily was whining, Lia was crying--why not put them both in the car and drive around Hahira? I loaded them both in and locked the door to the garage. We drive around for a little while until Lia became fussy and I head home to nurse and hopefully get her to nap. Then, as I'm pulling into the garage, I remember that I had forgotten to get my house key from my mom when I was in Columbus this past weekend. She'd had it since the week after Lia was born and she came to help us. Ben and I were sharing his, but I gave it back to him when I left on Friday. So I'm locked out. And the baby's screaming and Lily's going nuts and I can't find my cell phone to call Ben to ask him to leave his key somewhere near his office since he's about to start church in 20 minutes. I decide to nurse Lia for a minute, hopefully to satiate her enough so that she stops crying and I can find my phone.

Luckily, I find it and Ben promises to leave his key where I can find it and hopefully avoid any parishoners (because I am the very definition of the word haggard--unshowered, dressed in maternity clothes that are too big now but too comfortable to just throw in the closet). I drive the 15 minutes to the church and even get to see my husband for long enough to kiss him and for him to kiss the baby.

Then, as I'm pulling out of the parking lot, one of Ben's parishoners pulls up and gets out of his car. Lily goes crazy, barking menacingly, running around the car...jumping on Lia's car seat. And I realize right away that a baby who has gotten used to a dog's bark is not necessarily going to take that same bark, plus paws, with the stride she usually does. Lia erupts--screaming, crying (with tears!) and I can't go in because Lily's in the car and it's hot, so I keep driving, hoping that the motion will lull her to sleep, all the while feeling horrible that I can't comfort my baby when she's screaming.

I only had to pull over once, however, and that was just to reassure myself that everything was physically okay with her because she was screaming so bad I thought she may have been hurt. She wasn't, and we continued on. She did fall asleep, and the magical songs seem to be a Barbra Streisand/Brian Adams duet (I am fully aware of my nerdiness, thank you) and The Beach Boys' "God Only Knows". When we got home my poor little girl had a tear-stained face and a dirty diaper, but we took care of both and she got some nice QT nursing. Moral of the story? I am never leaving the house without a key. Ever.

This is the aftermath of our adventure.

I have succumbed!

I have tried forever to resist the urge to start a blog, but, late this Tuesday evening, I just had to do it. Ben has his own (see my links) to describe his experiences as a father, so I thought I'd start one to detail mine as a mother. I will of course post Amelia Jane pics, but if you're looking for just pictures, check my facebook profile, which is updated as often as I take them.

I need to go to bed before Ms. Amelia Jane gets up to eat, but I wanted to explain the title behind this blog before I did that. One night--last week, I think, I was rocking her trying to get her to go to sleep and quickly going through my repertoire of memorized songs. I started thinking of the Garth Brooks songs I know and thought of "Unanswered Prayers". Ben laughed at me when I sang "my wife and I ran into", but, despite that, I started thinking of really how much of an unanswered prayer Lia is. Many of you who I hope will read this (even though I am bad about reading yours!!) helped us through what had been to that point the hardest thing our marriage had endured, as well as one of the worst things either of us had ever experienced, when we had our miscarriage last year. We obviously prayed hard for that pregnancy, even as we were told it was over, but God knew better. We know now that Peanut's passing prepared us for Amelia Jane. We also know that if Peanut had been born, we would not have the sweet baby we have fallen so head over heels for. So in my mind Lia really is an unanswered prayer. Since that blog name was taken, I opted for another part of the song--and I couldn't agree more with it--our darling daughter is one of God's greatest gifts EVER.

I took this picture a few minutes ago. You can't tell here, but Lia's left eye is open a little--something she does when she's not *quite* asleep. We call her "popeye" when she does it.